Sat 7.46pm.
Alone on the crammed train heading towards town.
Was actually thinking of someone the 1st time in many many
months..
But i was'nt sure that it is becos of him? or becos
i need someone right there with me at that moment of
time? Makes me wonder..
I used to think that i can lead a fufilled, happy life
with my friends ard me but some incidents and mainly,
the conversation on thursday left me thinking otherwise.
Okie,i realised that wat i really need is not wat i can get
from friends.. Yar, the one who brought me to a doctor, keep
my spirits up when i'm really ill or down is'nt my friends..
i know tat's not their fault.. the most they could do is msg
take carez arr, drink more water etc. Maybe that is really not
wat i need though i'm grateful for tat..
Some pple will think i'm a self-reliant person (i used to think
so myself too) but i realised i was'nt one after all.. There are
times, i feel so lost and i could'nt find anyone to talk to at all..
say it to be my pride or ego. i juz dun feel comfortable to see
how feeble i can be.. and when there are times, i had to really talk
before i go crazy, the response i got was "i'm busy sorry.." etc
yeah, i felt rejected.. very rejected.. so time goes, i dun even feel
like talking le.
I know everyone is busy with work/studies. maybe tat is the way
after we grown up ba. we are too busy, wrapped up in our own concerns
and no time to care abt those ard us. I'm guilty of that tooz. so
i dun blame anyone for tat.. becoz I will always be our main priority.
So i guess wat u said is true, as much i tried to do things
for the pple ard me, sadly to say, few of them really cares
abt that. Yar, they are only my friends. so i cant expect them
to do the same for me. i should'nt have done things which
i dun even want to do in the 1st place for them like forcing
myself to do OT, waste time waiting, go all the way to town
despite having diarrhoea and feeling down juz to go
there and get rebuffed. Yeah, juz me wu liao..
God forgive me for tat.. Please let me have the strength
to stand up for wat i believe in and not wat others believe in.
To be able to do wat i want not becos of wat people wants or expect
me to do so. Let me have more backbone and meet pple who really loves me for
wat i am, and not for tat i could do for them.